I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
