textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
