Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
