I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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