I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
