I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
