i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Randomize
