I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
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