I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
