You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
