I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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