shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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