Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize