I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
