I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
