I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
