I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
