Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You're a waste of cheezeits
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
