I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
