Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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