Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Randomize