theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize