He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize