your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Randomize
