when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
