if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize