Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
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