You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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