Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
