Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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