True but thats because hes a fetus.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize