I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize