just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
