He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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