just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
