I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize