Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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