JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
