the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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