sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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