There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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