Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
