It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
