If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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