I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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