I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
