He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
