I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
