It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
