I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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