The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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