Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
