i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
