If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
